It’s 5am and I’ve been tossing and turning, thinking and praying since 4. Then my baby got the hiccups and thought it was acrobatics time, and my body was telling me it wasn’t going to sleep anymore without a little snack, so here I am eating oatmeal and writing. Isn’t this what everyone does when sleep has left them?
It’s probably not that weird that I’m up at such an inhumane hour. I mean, I think I was passed out on the couch around 10 (that seems to be my magic hour these days), so 6 hours might not be an ideal night of sleep for this overly tired pregnant lady, but it’s not all that terrible. In fact, in a few short months I’ll bet I would give anything for a straight 6 hours of sleep!
Tonight, this morning, (whatever!) my mind is racing with thoughts about my little girl and my husband, and am I doing ok with them through my pregnancy. Am I being a good enough wife? Am I an attentive enough mom? Am I enjoying this pregnancy to the fullest? So much pressure I put on myself! I’m a caretaker. I need to take care of my baby, my big girl, my husband…oh yeah, and me too.
Last night was Halloween and we had a wonderful evening! It was a fabulous week, really. We carved pumpkins with family, Bella had an exciting week of accomplishment and fun at school, I had a great doctor visit (hearing that strong little heartbeat makes every visit good!), we had a blast at a friend’s family Halloween party and trick or treat night, and wrapped it up trick or treating a little at my parents. Yep, it really was a great week and a “spooktacular” Halloween, but of course I have to question myself and second guess. Could I have done better? Well of course I could have! I’m not artsy craftsy Pinterest mom. I didn’t buy Bella a festive shirt for her school party, I didn’t take a picture of her in her costume with her pumpkin. Yes, I did take a picture of her with her pumpkin, and one in her costume, but not the costume and pumpkin combined; and probably not nearly enough pictures. I didn’t get my hubby anything festive to wear for our fun night out, and I didn’t get my cute pumpkin belly shirt I wanted to dress up my Katie belly. In fact I didn’t get too festive at all. We didn’t break out any of our festive fall decorations, and Bella didn’t even have a real trick or treat bag! Yikes! What kind of mom am I? What kind of wife am I? My husband really enjoys Halloween too, and in his previous marriage this festive event was almost as big as Christmas. So what kind of failure am I? And how will it make Bella feel next year when I know I’ll be all excited and into it because I will dress up our baby and pull her around in a wagon, and it will be new and exciting through her eyes, and we’ll be excited to share everything with her. You know how it will make Bella feel? Excited and happy! Just like she was this year, and every year that I beat myself up wondering if I did enough. And my husband? Well I’m pretty sure he’s just fine too. We had a fun time together, we laughed with friends and family, we enjoyed the beautiful weather and loved watching our little girl enjoy herself. That’s good enough for both of us, I’m sure!
As I’m nearing the end of this pregnancy I’ve kind of been slowing down (reluctantly, sort of) and questioning if I’ve done “good enough” through this pregnancy. I mean I have just less than nine weeks left! Have I appreciated every moment? Have I enjoyed being pregnant to the fullest? Have I taken a single moment for granted? Because I’ve been so busy. I’m always busy, and running and doing. I have not sat on the couch watching TV, eating Bonbons and waiting to be served and waited on (though my sweet husband would wait on me if that’s what I wanted/ needed!). I’ve tried to keep up with some kind of workout regiment so getting my body back to “normal” will hopefully be a little easier transition. But have I worried too much about that and not just done whatever I want because I can because I’m pregnant and can get away with it? Will I regret that later? Have I neglected Mark’s needs, or Bella’s needs because of Kate? Or have I neglected to give Kate the very best of care because I’m busy taking care of and doing for my family? See, I really do question myself so much! I guess it’s that perfectionist thing in me.
However, in all my thinking and overanalyzing and praying and wondering I did have an aha moment! I realized that of course I can always do better, and I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s doing it all just right. But I do feel like for me I’m doing ok. I am who I am, and worrying that it’s not good enough (though that seems to be a part of who I am too!) is just not ok. I’m not neglectful of any of my family members, myself included. I am constantly busy, running and going, and I like it that way. It’s who I am and what I do. I may not do up every event and festive occasion grand and elaborate, but I do it, and I try to make it fun, and we do it as a family. I may be a little too frugal for my own (and my family’s) good, but we have everything we need and a lot of what we just want. We do not go without food, shelter, clothing, family, friends, and love. Most importantly love! And have I enjoyed my pregnancy to the fullest? You bet I have! Yes, I could have and still should rest a little more. I do wish I had done more writing throughout, though I do have a little mini series I’m excited to be working on. Oh, and the time has sort of flown by in some ways. I am so thrilled and grateful that I’m healthy, that I’ve had an easy pregnancy, that I’ve been able to maintain my active lifestyle and feel great pregnant.